Haru's Milk Service?
by warriorprincess27
Summary: Momiji's come up with a great idea... it's not so great to those involved though...


**HATSUHARU'S MILK SERVICE?**

_ The Sohma household was disquieted. Momiji had just bounced in unannounced, a large poster in his hand, _and_ yelled triumphantly _

"_LET'S START A HATSUHARU'S MILK SERVICE!" _

Yuki and Kyo glanced at each other in stunned surprise, their jaws shamelessly agape; Tohru was completely shocked, and Haru – who'd just been on the verge of going into the kitchen – stumbled and landed on his butt, his face white with horror.

"WHAT!" He shrieked, causing at least a few people in the room to wince and clap their hands to their ears. Kagura, however, leapt forward and grabbed Momiji's hands in delight, dancing around jubilantly.

"Oh wow, that's such a great idea! Why didn't we think of it before! He he… We can make butter and we can make cheese and we can make self-raising flour and we can…"

Haru's face went whiter and began to turn an ashen grey.

"WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT!" He howled. "I'm not going to be _MILKED_!"

Shigure, looking at his nails and trying to hide his amusement, looked up at Kagura curiously.

"Uh… Kagura? _Where_ exactly do you get self-raising flour from a cow? I was under the impression that…"

"_I'M_ NOT A _FEMALE_ COW!" Haru shrieked frantically, furious at being ignored.

"Yeah, so technically you _really _can't get milk from him, Momiji." Yuki pointed out. "Nor can you get… err… self-raising flour."

"This is _ME _you're discussing!" Haru scowled indignantly, crossing his arms over his chest in defiance as he looked for every possible exit in the room. Kyo snorted in disgust.

"It was a stupid idea anyways."

Haru nodded desperately, clinging to this tiny thread of hope.

"Uh huh, listen to Catboy."

"I mean…" Kyo went on, raising his eyebrows crossly. "Who'd want to _eat_ something that came from that damn cow? You'd be sick!"

Kagura put her hands on her hips furiously, glaring at Kyo.

"KYO! You _could _be more supportive!"

Kyo shrugged carelessly.

"What, of a cow you can't milk? You're more of a cow than he ever was!"

Kagura shrieked in rage and before he knew it she was on top of him, pummelling him mercilessly.

"THINK HOW HARU FEELS!" Kagura squealed. "A poor defenceless cow who only wants to make a little money from his products, AND YOU INSULT HIM AS IF HE'S WORTHLESS TRASH!"

Haru's head jerked up.

"I am _not _worthless trash." He said indignantly. "Think how _I _feel? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE FEELING HERE!" He screamed. He registered what else she'd said.

"MAKING MONEY FROM MY PRODUCTS!" He squealed. "WHAT!"

"Please stop saying 'what' so loudly." Hiro said testily as he and Kisa entered the room. "It's giving me a headache."

Haru rounded on the sheep and grabbed him around the neck furiously, beginning to choke him mercilessly.

"They're… discussing… getting… milk… from… _me_. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT!" He shrieked. Clearly, he'd come to his tether's end. Momiji's face had drooped and the roll of paper he'd had in his hand dropped to the floor.

"But it would have been so much fun!" He said sadly.

"FUN DOING _WHAT_?" Haru demanded, letting a very red-faced Hiro slump to the floor, and turning on the rabbit. "TYING ME DOWN AND SEEKING A PLACE TO _MILK _ME!" He shrieked. Tipping her head sideways, Tohru could just make out words on the paper Momiji held and realised that Momiji had already made a poster for his great idea. She felt extremely sorry for him.

"Uh… umm… Momiji, maybe you could've found another cow to start milking?" She suggested timidly. Haru perked up instantly. Kisa looked terrified as Haru passed her to go to Tohru.

"Yes, yes… find _another _cow and we can all be happy!" He suggested, nodding manically. "And now I'm off, cause this conversation has nothing to do with me!"

Shigure looked thoughtful, completely on a different wavelength to everybody else.

"But, ahh, Momiji, how _would _you go about actually achieving your means if you used Haru, Tohru's suggestion was quite right, using another cow…"

Haru was currently trying to sneak unnoticed out a side door when Kagura leapt over and grabbed his arm, roughly dragging him back inside despite his fierce struggles.

"NO!" She said determinedly. "We'll use _this _cow."

Kisa's eyes were wide.

"Please stop fighting." She said softly. "Why are you all fighting?"

Momiji's face lit up again and he picked up his poster and skipped over to show it to her.

"We're going to make a 'Hatsuharu's Milk Service' and sell it cheaper than anybody else so that people buy what we give!" He said happily, displaying the poster for the first time to the room. Haru's face went whiter, if possible, and his struggles against Kagura's grip increased twofold. On the poster was a grinning cow happily squirting milk out into a bucket.

"_BUT I CAN'T GIVE MILK_!" Haru wailed furiously. The words on the poster clearly stated what Momiji had just said "**HARU'S MILK SERVICE! Cheaper than anywhere else!"**

Kagura hit Haru over the head with a frying pan that seemed to have come from nowhere. Tohru squeaked and ran over, obviously hoping to be a comfort to him, but he shunned her off, moodily collapsing to the floor on crossed legs.

"Why do I have to be '_cheaper than anywhere else' _anyways?" He grumbled furiously. Kagura raised the frying pan again and he cringed. Raising an eyebrow, Shigure stepped forward and took the poster from Momiji, holding it up so that he could see it closer.

"Hmm… this is definitely food for thought. But then, could you not also advertise some cheeky young ladies in costumes? Perhaps then it would get more business."

"SHIGURE!" This was Kyo, Yuki, Tohru, Kagura and Haru at the same time. Hiro was too choked up to say anything, but Kisa surprised everybody by piping up.

"And maybe you should put a bow around its neck? So that it's prettier?" She suggested tentatively. Momiji's eyes widened in delight and he took the poster back and started scribbling on it. Haru groaned

"_Prettier_?" He mumbled, terrified. "Does anybody not understand the _small _fact that I happen to be _MALE_!" He demanded furiously.

"Yes, that _could _be a problem." Shigure said logically. Haru looked as though he was about to faint, possibly because Kagura had hit him over the head again with the frying pan when he'd yelled out, or possibly because in a few moments time Momiji would be bouncing back out that front door to create more posters to stick on peoples' front doors. Whatever it was, it sent Tohru in a frenzy to grab wet cloths and something for him to drink.

"So you can create the freshest milk possible." Momiji put in brightly. Haru choked on the huge bite he'd just taken out of a riceball.

"Please stop." He groaned. Kagura knelt by him in concern.

"Oh, he's sick! You should go to bed!"

Tohru's eyes were wide and worried, nobody noticed that Momiji had grabbed another piece of paper and started scribbling.

"And then we'll get milk tomorrow I suppose?" Shigure suggested. Haru had to be thumped on the back repetitively because he'd just choked again on another bite.

"Please, can we _please _find another cow for you guys to milk?" He begged. Shigure nudged him suggestively.

"Ooh, a sexy _girl _cow eh?"

"NO!" Momiji suddenly yelled out, stopping them all in her tracks. "I've got a better idea!"

Kagura came to Momiji curiously. Grinning, he showed her the new poster. "Let's make pedigree kittens to sell!"

Kagura's eyes lit up and Kyo screamed and ran.


End file.
